Deep Down Inside You Want Me

So party night with the cousin went well. To ensure my attendance, my aunt and grandma came to pick me up. They say I stay away from family too much and that it’s unacceptable. Well you know what grandma? There’s a reason why I tend to stay away. But because I’m an optimist, I’m gonna look at the bright-side of these mandatory family rendezvous. For starters, interesting blog material.

I’m not one to really go too personal on blogs and expose anything that may tarnish my obvious perfection. Shoot, I’ve never even included a picture of myself in this blog (but if you want one, don’t hesitate to ask!). I’ve had a lifelong battle with that little voice planted in my head by my mother to exercise prudence as much as possible. Well, when you grow up low-income one of the few things you have an abundance of is words and to limit their use is like my first college roommate always says: “preposterous”.

So back to my cousin’s b-day party. We were all relaxing, eating good food, having drinks and suddenly Mrs. Cara de Fuchi shows up. She is one of my cousin’s wife. Fortunately, we are not blood related or else I would have punched myself in the face a few times just to drown the emotional pain with physical pain. Mrs. Cara de Fuchi stands alone at the top of all caras de fuchi. I would have taken a picture of her but that’s like taking a dooky and photographing it before you flush it down.

As I was talking to a friend of the family, she pointed out that Mrs. Cara de Fuchi kept giving me the stanky eye. I just told her that Mrs. Cara de Fuchi doesn’t like me and I turned to the beast and said “isn’t that right?” I could see Mrs. Cara de Fuchi get thrown off by my direct contact when her nostrils flared and eyes dilated the moment I made eye contact with her. She asked what I was referring to and I said “You. Don’t. Like. Me.” Her response was almost human-like when she said, “I don’t know why, pero me caes gordo.” (basically that she feels strong antipathy for me). When I asked her why, all she could say was “no se.”

You straight up tell me you have strong negative feelings for me and you don’t know why?! Is that how a beast feels before it eats its prey? She doesn’t even know me y le caego gordo? She had food so it couldn’t have been hunger. She could have been constipated but constipation 365 days a year is hard to believe. My only conclusion is that deep down she wants to do me. A beast’s sexual thirst is off the human charts and she probably feels conflicted by it. Should I be watching my back? I don’t think I’ve been this concerned since I first heard of the chupacabras!

Sorry mami, this woman had it coming and I was nice.